Sue Phillips joined Parisa Parsa at a gathering of the News Futures Care Collaboratory to explore how to anticipate and engage in conflict as a normal, even sacred, part of group life. Sue, drawing from years of experience as the co-founder of Sacred Design Lab and a former executive at the Unitarian Universalist Association, offered practical guidance for engaging disagreement in ways that build care, trust and collective resilience.
There are many kinds of conflict that can arise in a gathering: polite avoidance, heated ideological debates, deep interpersonal tension. What all these kinds of conflict share is the perception of a threat. And that sense of being threatened can cause curiosity to contract or disappear, shifting people into defensive mode.
Designing for conflict, then, requires skill, practice and self-awareness.
Hosting with conflict readiness
Prepare the group by identifying the stakes, clarifying the purpose of the gathering and creating an environment where people feel safe. Conflict is often an emotional state as much as difference of opinions. Resolving it is not possible if all parties don’t feel seen or heard.
- Normalize conflict as difference, not danger
- Why: When we treat conflict as a sign of failure, we panic or retreat. When we see it as inevitable, we can prepare for it with care.
- Try this: Open your gathering by pointing out that the presence of difference is natural. Offer a simple working definition of conflict: “Conflict is just difference showing up where care hasn’t yet caught up.”
- Design the right-sized container
- Why: Too little structure can overwhelm; too much can stifle. Design should match the stakes.
- Try this: Do a pre-gathering survey or pre-interviews to gauge participants’ emotional readiness, personal investment, communication styles or existing conflicts. Then calibrate format, time, norms and support roles accordingly.
- Lead with transparency and consent
- Why: People feel safer when they know what to expect and are given autonomy.
- Try this: Set norms and ask for explicit buy-in: “Here’s what we are and aren’t discussing: can we agree to that?” If someone opts out, affirm their agency. Normalize opting out without shame.
- Spread the discomfort
- Why: Marginalized folks often do disproportionate emotional labor. Careful design can shift that.
- Try this: Audit your activities and discussion prompts. Do they include multiple modes of participation (verbal, written, artistic)? Who is being asked to do the hardest work?
- Name your own humanity as a facilitator
- Why: Pretending to be unflappable is unsustainable. Authenticity builds trust. Have backup plans for when conflict arrives.
- Try this: In moments of heat, pause and say, “I’m noticing I’m feeling anxious about how this is unfolding. Can we all take a breath together before we continue?” Have tools ready for different scenarios so you are not fumbling in the moment.
Dig deeper
- Read Sue and Parisa’s full conversation on conflict at News Futures
- Speaking of Conflict handout by Sue Phillips
- The Art of Powerful Questions by Eric E. Voyt, Juanita Brown and David Issacs
- High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How to Get Out by Amanda Ripley
- I Never Thought Of It That Way by Mónica Guzmán
